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The BPD Favorite Person: Know The Signs and Set Boundaries

ByBelinda Anderson, BA Psych Last Updated on

The effects of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) on relationships can be challenging for all parties involved. It’s especially hard for people who don’t understand the disorder to figure out what they’ve done wrong when a relationship with a BPD person inevitably goes south. 

What’s even more disorienting is when just a short time prior, it seemed like the world revolved around you.

What happened?

BPD people tend to have a “Favorite Person” in their lives, and this person becomes central to their very existence. What does that mean, and how do you deal with it to have a healthy relationship with them?

The BPD person’s Favorite Person is the one they focus all their attention on and invest in emotionally. Their mood, plans, and persona become centered on this person, and their fear of losing them can lead to intense, inappropriate, and even suffocating relationships.

Studies suggest that relationships with a BPD person tend to end quicker than other relationships. So, if you’re wondering whether having a normal relationship with a BPD person is possible, you’re not alone.

Table of Contents

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

BPD is a disorder that affects your ability to regulate emotions and maintain healthy relationships. While this is a very simplistic way of looking at it, those key factors are pertinent when it comes to the topic of a ‘favorite person’ for someone with BPD. 

Because those with BPD struggle to control their emotions, they are often impulsive, suffer from mood swings, feel very negative about themselves, and struggle to deal with other people in a consistent and healthy way. 

The relationship cycle for people with BPD is also essential to understand, as it’s characterized by extreme highs and lows, bouts of rage, and depression.

It will likely involve periods of infatuation and splitting, which can lead to the end of the relationship. 

It’s often the initial part of this relationship cycle that gives rise to – or results in – what is known as the “Favorite Person” in the BPD person’s life.

A BPD woman and her favorite person best friend pretend to be on old school phones together
What is a BPD Favorite Person?

What Is A BPD Favorite Person?

The BPD person’s ‘Favorite Person’ is the individual they became enamored with.

Because of their deep desire for connection, people with BPD fervently pursue relationships with people they deem ideal or perfect; this is the initial phase of the BPD relationship cycle.

It’s more than just a crush. This Favorite Person is seen as the source of all their happiness, and they try to gain validation from this individual. 

This can look very much like being overly involved, constantly seeking them out, spending all their time with this person, and building all their present and future plans around this person. 

Because the person with BPD always wants their Favorite Person’s attention, they will engage in love bombing, which can initially seem quite pleasant. But the lack of boundaries will soon become problematic for the Favorite Person who may feel smothered.

Why Do People With BPD Choose A “Favorite Person”?

To understand why people with BPD choose a Favorite Person, one needs to understand the psyche of the BPD person first. 

They have an intense desire for connection, intimacy, and acceptance. Still, simultaneously fear intimacy, expect rejection, and have a deep sense of self-loathing – all of which is a recipe for an unhealthy, inconsistent, and confusing relationship.

Whether the Favorite Person is a romantic partner, a friend, or a family member, the initial sense of being “so close” to this person will push the BPD person to seek out their Favorite Person in all scenarios.

Their mood, sense of security, and feelings about themselves are all affected by their ability to spend time with their Favorite Person.

Initially, at least, the Favorite Person makes the one with BPD feel better about themselves. 

They also generally respond positively to all the attention and grand gestures a BPD person makes at the beginning of the relationship. Positive feedback gives the BPD person a sense of meaning and an emotional high. 

Much like any addiction, this high is enough for a BPD person to continue pursuing the relationship with their Favorite Person.

And, alongside their intense fear of losing them and being rejected, they will do anything within their power to keep their Favorite Person close.

Does Everyone With BPD Have A Favorite Person?

Although some people have suggested that they never had a Favorite Person despite having BPD, most people will argue that’s impossible.

The following traits are considered symptoms that help identify the disorder in individuals:

These defining characteristics relate to the intense relationship with the BPD person’s Favorite Person.

In all cases, there will always be that one person who the BPD person idealizes and shapes their goals, ambitions, and hopes around – it won’t always last, and once the cycle has run its course, the relationship may end. 

But for those with BPD, there will always be the next person they latch on to, and they will soon become the next Favorite Person. 

A couple dances in the street beside a street car
Understanding the BPD Favorite Person Relationship

Signs You Have BPD And A Favorite Person

Without focusing on the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria to help you identify whether you have BPD, you may wonder whether you have a Favorite Person. Here are some signs that you may very well have someone that fills that role:

  • There is one person you cannot stop thinking about, and your primary concern is centered around this person each day.
  • You seek constant contact with this person, with face-to-face contact as first prize. If you can’t be with this person, you constantly message or call them throughout the day.
  • You crave their attention and approval, and your daily choices are impacted by your perception of whether this will make them think highly of you.
  • You actively engage in behaviors to impress or “win them over,” such as big gifts or gestures.
  • Your mood depends wholly on them; if they don’t respond to you as you hope, you are immediately negatively affected. 
  • You lose your sense of self and focus only on them; what they want trumps what you want, and you tend to take on their persona as your own. 

Signs You Are Somebody With BPD’s Favorite Person

On the other hand, you may be reading this far and wondering if you’re on the receiving end of such a BPD relationship. If you’re unsure whether you’re somebody’s Favorite Person in a BPD sense, here are some signs that may suggest you are:

  • They are constantly in contact with you, even if they’ve just seen you – you are their first port of call for any news, events, or day-to-day happenings.
  • You spend more time with this person than anyone else and may feel they are constantly finding reasons and making up excuses to be around you.
  • Impromptu visits and sleepovers become regular, and they may even suggest keeping some items at your place “in case.”
  • The relationship with them is very intense, and you may feel impressed initially by how “deep” they are, but it can soon become emotionally draining.
  • This person often has crises that need attending to, and your relationship exists around a cycle of advice, guidance, reassurance, and crisis management. 
  • They are jealous of other relationships and events or activities that they aren’t involved in – whether they state it overtly or make jokes about it, they want to be the only person in your life. 
  • They constantly fear that you’ll abandon them, and you thus feel responsible for how they feel and their life situation.

Common Problems In BPD Relationships Featuring A Favorite Person

It may sound like there’s nothing wrong with being someone’s favorite person, but it’s quite different in the context of a BPD relationship. Here are some problems that may crop up in a relationship where you’re the Favorite Person to someone with BPD:

  • The BPD person’s inability to regulate emotions means you’re constantly dealing with wildly fluctuating responses. Inappropriate responses and outbursts of rage are common and can be both scary and off-putting to deal with.
  • Trust issues develop due to their perception of impending rejection, and their fear of abandonment can lead to them over-compensating and never leaving your side. Their desire to constantly be with you can feel suffocating and leave you little room to be alone. 
  • The relationship cycle progresses to splitting, where the BPD person sees you as either “all good” or “all bad.” The latter leads to them devaluing the relationship and pushing you away. It’s challenging to maintain a healthy relationship when there is no consistency.
  • Impulsivity is a hallmark of BPD, and reckless behavior, lying, and sometimes outrageous demands for attention will drive you apart. 
  • There is very little room for the relationship to be about you as it is inherently all about them – crises, drama, and situations they need to be rescued from will make up most of the relationship.

Having a relationship with a BPD person becomes both draining and confusing. Unless you’re equipped and in a good space, managing the extreme ups and downs is almost impossible. 

How To Stop Being Someone’s Favorite Person

If you’re committed to seeing the relationship with a BPD person through, you’ll need to be prepared to deal with many issues that make a BPD person vulnerable.

While you may not like the sound of it, it may be necessary to stop being the Favorite Person and establish a more appropriate, less intense relationship instead. Here are some essential tips to help:

  • Clear boundaries are vital. This includes when and how much time is spent together, in what situations you are open to communicating with them, and if they are allowed to arrive unannounced. 
  • Clear communication: It’s difficult to say no to a person with BPD, but it is possible to do so through clear communication and the behavior and attitude that supports it. Consistency is essential – don’t change your decisions. There’s no need to be cruel, but be firm and reassuring of your care for them. 
  • Say no when you’re uncomfortable and refuse to be the sole person in their life. Include others in both of your lives and encourage them to make other friends. This requires honesty on your part that is backed up by reassurance to them that it doesn’t imply they aren’t important to you.

Strategies For Maintaining a Healthy BPD’ Favorite Person’ Relationship

Relationships with a BPD person aren’t automatically doomed. Although it is undoubtedly a lot of hard work, it is possible to have healthy relationships and friendships with BPD persons.

Here are some strategies that will help you to succeed in this:

  • Insist on time apart, balance time spent together with time spent alone and separately with others. 
  • Avoid impulsive responses and reactions and try to create a routine that involves planning to do things together and planning to be on your own.
  • Find a way to communicate clearly and reasonably – for example, agree to a good morning text and an evening phone call instead of allowing all-access phone calls throughout the day.
  • Get support and help, especially if the BPD person has not been diagnosed. Treatment can make their lives much more manageable and help make these relationship challenges easier to manage. 
  • Draw clear boundaries, and don’t flip-flop on them. Consistency is key.
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Final Thoughts on The BPD Favorite Person

The BPD person’s Favorite Person inadvertently carries the weight of the BPD person’s happiness and determines their mood, and often doesn’t even realize it.

Because they become the center of the BPD person’s universe, it can be very taxing to be the Favorite. Getting help and establishing firm boundaries will help work towards a healthy relationship.

It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible, either.

Want to learn more about Borderline Personality Disorder?

Writer

Belinda Anderson is a writer and editor for various publications across the globe. Born in Johannesburg, South Africa, she graduated with Honours in Psychology and Social Work while serving her community as a social worker, raising her son, and running a business. She specialised in the safe care of abandoned and traumatised children, and spent fifteen years developing therapeutic programmes to mitigate the psychological effects of such trauma. While she also writes professionally about automotive topics, her first love is helping others learn about mental health issues and recover from abusive relationships. She also loves coffee, gaming, and African thunderstorms.

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2 Comments

  1. My bf is undxed BPD 10000%! His mama and he were in a car wreck when he was 12 and she died. His very unemotional daddy and also unemotionally available sisters pretty much acted like nothing happened after she died. He never got any sort of treatment and after 33 years, 2 failed marriages and a life time of being put down by his daddy and first ex wife he and I have been together for a year and 4 months. Im his favorite person without question and his splits are getting worse, more painful, so draining on all levels for me to the point in broken and drained. I love him immensely and don’t want to leave him regardless of the pain we’ve caused one another. I’m bi polar type one and was unmedicated for nearly a year and 1/2 when he and I got together and I began having hallucinations, both auditory and visual. He left and went back to his kids while I was away for 10 days in a mental facility and as soon and I got out some other things happened but 3 weeks later we were living together again. He took everything he and I had bought together and I swear I have PTSD from walking into our apartment and EVERYTHING being gone. To this day nearly a year later and that pain is still so fresh. I’m shaking and crying as I type this. We both need help to be honest. I have childhood trauma beginning at the age of 3 I remember very clearly. PLEASE tell me there is something someone can offer us. Help!! If anyone ever really reads this and feels like we could truly gain some kind of help PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE text me at 910-921-8555. My name is Jennifer Hicks. I’m also trying to get divorced from a 25 year hellish marriage I was trapped in and was homeless for a year before Chad, my now BPD bf and I met. I’m looking for serious help! We live in NC.

    Reply

    1. You’ll get through this one step at a time. Focus on yourself and breathe deeply. Please dedicate everyday some time to meditate and do breathwork to help your body deal with all your challenges. You will find a lot of free material online that will help you. I hope you can find some peace in your yourself Jennifer.

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